I used to be just like you.
When I was a teenager, I was constantly angry at Asian women. I felt like Asian women dated non-Asian men specifically to irritate us. Asian women -- random ones at the mall, on TV, in my classroom -- would get on my nerves with the way they'd flaunt their white boyfriends like some gaudy designer purse. Eager to shake my philosophical fist in their faces, I vowed to never date Asian women again. I was 17 when I made that promise.
But life doesn't work that way. You might tell yourself that you "nEeD mE a wHiTe qUeEn" but you fall in love with whoever your heart desires. Contrary to my stupid promise, I, the self-hating Asian dude who promised to never in a zillion years touch another Asian woman again, found myself dating only Asian women once I got into college. Even though I chased after white women and went on dates with them, the women I had strong connections with were always Asian.
Despite my history of only dating Asian women, I was still foolishly determined to get my slice of mayo pie. I was THIRSTY for a white girl. "Bury me in your seasonless thighs, my Milk Maid of Feminine Godliness!"
It never happened. I didn't commit to any white girls because the white girls I went on dates with weren't interesting. Sweet girls, yes, but it never lasted more than one or two dates because they weren't very open-minded towards non-white cultures. I started to wonder if I was "wrong" for white women. My quest to find a white girlfriend was doomed and I feared that I'd die alone because I couldn't snag a white girl.
Then I asked myself a question I should have asked years ago: why was I so desperate to date white women?
Honestly? I wanted to spite Asian women.
"Why won't you love me?!"
As a young Asian man, I was lonely and insecure. Sure, 2008 doesn't seem like a long time ago, but back then, representation for Asian men was almost non-existent, and the images we did have were always humiliating. Between Ken Jeong pimping the small Asian penis joke for his role in "The Hangover" to Mathew Moy's minstrel show on "2 Broke Girls," Asian men were constantly ridiculed with racist jokes. White dudes would spam racist Asian jokes or brag about the Asian women they slept with. A lack of positive representation in the media mixed with constant anti-Asian racism turned me into a toxic masculine asshole. Toxic masculinity was my defense against toxic masculinity. Even though white men made up a majority of the racial harassment I received, I foolishly thought that I could take it out on Asian women.
You Can't Fuck The Racism Away
Like a lot of men of color, I conflated dating white women with "shutting down" white supremacy. I thought I could fuck my way out of racism and reclaim my masculinity by "stealing" white women from white men.
I convinced myself into believing this lie because it was easier to blame Asian women for dating white men than to accept that both Asian-American men and women have massive identity issues. We're told from the jump that everything about us is flawed; our eyes are too small, nose to shallow, too short, no ass, no tits, no dick, no curves, and no personality. Stripped naked of our ethnic identity, many Asians learned to hate themselves en route to assimilation. We learned to despise the parts that make us ethnic, including our own love and affection for each other.
Notice the evil looking Asian man hovering over the white damsel in distress.
A critical component of white supremacy is to destabilize confidence in POC intraracial relationships, deter miscegenation, and dehumanize POC sexual identity. From a racist psychological warfare perspective, this is an effective tactic and white supremacists have used this tactic time and time again to depict Asian men as sexual deviants, rapists, and infertile.
The Origin of Evil
English novelist Sax Rohmer made his claim to fame with his creation of Dr. Fu Manchu, an evil Oriental villain known for controlling the minds of white women, rape, asexuality, and femininity. To understand the construction of the Asian-American male identity, you need to understand Fu Manchu.
There are numerous racial stereotypes about POC sexual identity and we've heard all of them: Black men have large penises because they share animal DNA, Black women have STDs, Latina and Asian want sex because they want to have American babies, Latinos are rapists, Asian men have small penises. All of this shit is cultural and ideological warfare. By impregnating society with these lies, you plant seeds of doubt into people's minds and discourage miscegenation between white people and POC. However, because white people are painted as the ideal romantic partner, POC end up desiring white folks over their own because they're convinced that white love, white dick, white ass, and white relationships are superior.
You Still Have Time To Change. Do It Now
I know you carry that hate on your shoulder and trust me, I understand how exhausting it can be to stay this angry. But you don't have to live like this. Brother, you don't have to be at odds with Asian women. There are billions of Asians, we aren't going anywhere. There is no ethnic cleansing going on and Asian women are not here to replace you with white dudes. Do racist, self-hating, white-worshipping, bootlicking Asian women exist? You fucking bet. But there are also a lot of Asian men who are just as racist, just as hateful, and just as eager to please white people.
Hell, we haven't even opened the floodgates of Asian LGBTQ folks who are also just as guilty of white worshipping. You can try to keep score and figure out who's the bigger race traitor between Asian men and women, but with over 1 billion Asians on the planet, you might as well suck your own dick because at least that's an activity you can accomplish.
If you continue to define your Asian identity by observing other relationships, you'll never feel at peace. Take it from me, a 28yo happily married Asian man: I found the love of my life and I'm still struggling to define my Asian identity.
Focus on yourself, create your own identity as an Asian man, and encourage Asian women to seek the love they deserve -- not the love you think they deserve.